I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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