The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
