Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
