Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
