It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
