LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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