my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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