just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
