so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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