He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
