So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
