just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
