I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
