Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my shit smells like andre
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
