Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?