I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life