You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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