ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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