Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
