The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
