Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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