two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wish there were birth control emojis
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
