Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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