we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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