After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
