i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
