i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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