there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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