If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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