It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
