I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
