wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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