its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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