Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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