From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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