she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
