I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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