Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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