Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
