I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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