Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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