Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
