Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
