Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
