gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
