So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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