The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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