your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
