I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i've created a new STD.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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