just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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