Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
