she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
