Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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