Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize