Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
