saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
