We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
