Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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