After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Congratulations! We have a period
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
