I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
