Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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