I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
